i am SO over this journal.

i told my mother that she fucked up my life, and that i'm still fucked up, and that i don't want her to call me again.


and now i feel a little bad about it.


but it needed to be done.

i knew he would win. i never doubted it.




so why am i crying?

:)

LOL!

One day, while walking through the wilderness, a man encountered a vicious tiger. He ran for his life, and the tiger gave chase.

The man came to the edge of a cliff, and the tiger was almost upon him. Having no choice, he held on to a vine with both hands and climbed down.

Halfway down the cliff, the man looked up and saw the tiger at the top, baring its fangs. He looked down and saw another tiger at the bottom, waiting for his arrival and roaring at him. He was caught between the two.

Two rats, one white and one black, showed up on the vine above him. As if he didn't have enough to worry about, they started gnawing on the vine.

He knew that as the rats kept gnawing, they would reach a point when the vine would no longer be able to support his weight. It would break and he would fall. He tried to shoo the rats away, but they kept coming back.

At that moment, he noticed a strawberry growing on the face of the cliff, not far away from him. It looked plump and ripe. Holding onto the vine with one hand and reaching out with the other, he plucked it.

With a tiger above, another below, and two rats continuing to gnaw on his vine, the man enjoyed the finest, juiciest, sweetest meal of his life.

Life is 10 percent what you make it, and 90 percent how you take it.

Talent is only the starting point.



Our attitudes control our lives. Attitudes are a secret power working twenty-four hours a day, for good or bad. It is of paramount importance that we know how to harness and control this great force.


--Irving Berlin

.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

--John Lennon

by Alan Watts

=)

to all of you high-strung folks out there.

;)

tonight,

Cindy, my long-time friend and present student, recognized her true face tonight. the face she had before she was born. she recognized the bornless, ever-present awareness that is her.


she touched Awakening tonight.


and what's more, her recognition enriched my own.



wow.

i love all of you. i really mean that.

anyone who wants to talk or meet up with me can feel free to drop me a message, send me an email, or call. i'm not falling off the face of the earth. again. at least not at the moment. ;)


i'm having a significant internal breakthrough tonight, and i don't even want to cheapen it with too many words. any story i could construct about tonight would be a fiction. suffice to say that i feel a profound joy and calm. part of me is on fire, and even that is somewhat blissful.


i need to give up my personal fictions for a while. every story we tell is a fiction that separates us from the profound simplicity of the moment.

i need to be naked and without story right now. this is a special time for me.


i know this all sounds weird, but that's how i roll. you guys know that! ;)


take care. all of you.

when i was in college i led nightly meditation sessions where i would generate a field of energy and those who were present would begin to entrain to it. after the session i would make tea for everyone while they all talked about their experiences and asked questions.


on the last day of our fall semester, just before i took off for the canyon in Hawaii, the kid that lived next door to me told me that he felt he missed an opportunity by not being part of the group, even though he had been invited numerous times. he asked me if i would sit with him and transmit my energy to him, to which i scoffed. i told him that i wasn't going open him up on the last day of school because he hadn't demonstrated any commitment over the months by showing up or doing anything with the rest of us. "i'm not a fast food joint" was a phrase that i used at some point in that talk.

and it was during THAT discussion, with me being all superior and whatnot, that he opened up to the energy. completely spontaneously. the energy ran cold through his head, his spine, and his hands. the energy that emitted from his palms felt like a cool breeze with static electricity.

the energy in me is strong, but it doesn't belong to me. it was a humbling and worthwhile lesson.



today he's totally committed to his natural spiritual path, independent of me. and i definitely consider him my brother. but the reason i write about him today is because he's coming to stay with me for a few days. we haven't been in touch a whole lot, but we always seem to stay connected.


i'm looking forward to our communion.

stormcrowley is progressing rapidly. something really clicked with him a couple of weeks ago. it was a very unconventional class session, but perhaps the most necessary one we've had in recent time. he understood in a new way, and it has clearly changed him. he's got confidence. his memory has improved tremendously. he's taking decisive action to make his life what he wants it to be because he understands that it won't happen any other way. this is all stuff he and i addressed quite some time ago, but he really seems to get it now. and just by not constantly second guessing himself the way he was before, his memory is becoming downright impressive.

tonight after our training session, he wanted to buy me a beer. a 40oz. to be exact. i didn't think much about why, except i figured it probably had to do with embracing the fact that i DO still have the streets in me, and that's okay. it doesn't dictate my course, but it's still there as part of my life experience. so i agreed. i went all out. Old English 800. LOL!

but while i was drinking it and we were talking, he brought my attention to something i didn't think much about at the time: i fucking WON that fight! =) i didn't want to fight at all, but since it happened anyway, it's damn sure nice that i won. i've been beating myself up about my psychological shift at the time of the encounter and how i still have traces of coldness, but i didn't let myself appreciate the fact that i was jumped by 3 guys out of nowhere, and i fucking won. no real physical damage of any kind.

so yay me!

=)

"Don't do this, man. C'mon. Please! I don't wanna do this!"


that's all i said once i saw where things were going.


the security guard called today (it was really stupid of me to give him my name and number, but i wasn't thinking straight at the time), and he said that the police have threatened him with obstruction of justice if he doesn't turn over my contact information. he may lose his job for failure to cooperate with law enforcement. he said he thinks it's just a bluff, though.

but then why would he call me about it?

i thanked him for getting involved, and i asked him to please never contact me again and to destroy my contact info, as i could end up in prison, even though it was self-defense. he gave me his word and said maybe we'll run into each other again.

he's doing okay. black eye and a swollen jaw. (he lowered his hands to grab his pepper spray. bad move.) i have no marks, but my neck and shoulders are tight and my knees hurt a little bit.

one of the guys suffered a cracked sternum, so he was still there when the police arrived.


my already banged up glasses are being held together with gorilla glue. lol!


today's a new day. i got shit to do.

=)


thanks to those of you who commented. i was feeling really ungrounded yesterday. i'm better today. nothing has changed. i'm still me.





I saw a face on the water
It was humble but willing to fight

I saw the will of a warrior
His yoke is easy and his burden is light

He looked me right in the eyes
direct and concise to remind me
to always do what's right


--Creed
Faceless Man

i got attacked at the train station today. 3 guys who knew who i was from the old days. but they had to have been little kids when i was still out in the streets.

i'm really upset right now. i don't even care that much about the confrontation. they didn't really hurt me. but i was on my way to do some office work so i could make some extra cash this week. i've been really struggling to make rent these past two months, and i'm almost out of money for food. and now this crap. really frustrating.

days like this make me feel as if nothing has changed. i feel as if it were 15 years ago and i'm still failing at leaving the streets behind.

but whatevs. this is only a setback if i make it one. i think i can just chalk it up to a weird day.

Jesus wept.

i'm no christian, but this is the shortest verse in the bible, and it's a true gem. even Jesus wept for the suffering of others. to be christ-like, to be buddha-like, is to be with joy AND with pain. but not necessarily with suffering. not necessarily with resistance (which i believe to be the root of suffering).

our spiritual practices can plunge us into ever-present awareness on a regular basis, and in that state we can feel tremendous joy at the absolute perfection of all things and the silliness of all the minutia. there is no separation between anything. this creates a deep well of stillness and peace that never leaves. this is part of what we cultivate in consistent meditation.

but this is not at all an escape from the pain of the relative world that we all experience. part of the process of thinning the veils which separate us from realization of the ever-present is dissolving our defenses, being vulnerable and open. dissolving our denials and avoidances. and what we find is that we are actually open to MORE pain than before, but with the cultivation of ever-present alongside it, our ability to handle the pain grows even faster than our sensitivity to it. we become richer and more alive, in ALL dimensions.


so we can feel the hurt in the world more exquisitely than ever before, yet at the same time it burdens us less than ever before.

it's totally within character to see and feel the pain of the world and cry so hard...

AND,

to see and feel the perfection and laugh in the joy of realizing that there really are no 'others' to save.



there is no one to save...
and i commit my life to saving them...

i laugh myself to tears.
...and i cry myself to sleep.


and i'll do it all again.


and that's all part of the richness and fullness of this absurdity that is life.

"Wisdom is tolerance of cognitive dissonance."

--Robert Thurman

things are very good. i'm very happy, and i feel very fortunate these days. i'll write a real update at another time. it's not the recent events that compel me to break the silence. it's her again.

nostalgia. guess that's what i get for listening to Melissa Etheridge. Scarecrow and Sleep were our songs, both of which brought me to tears at one time or another. Scarecrow was the song about Matthew Sheppard. very powerful. it even moved Noara to tears back when she was still an evangelical and considered homosexuality a sin. that was the time period when she really began to transform as an individual. so maybe i owe some of her transformation to Etheridge, or as our clan would refer to her, "The Ridge."

Sleep was the last track on that album. it was a song she dedicated to me once. she would send me emails with a few lines from the song from time to time. she was always doing sweet things like that. Melissa Etheridge, Tori Amos, Ani DiFraco, Sarah McLachlan, Tracy Chapman. They comprised the "5 Goddesses," and we'd reference their lyrics as if referencing scripture.

in 2003 i nearly committed suicide while drinking and listening to Sleep a few weeks after Noara's death.

it's been 5 years now. and i still miss her. but now there is far more gratitude than there is sadness. i am grateful that she chose me to share her life with.

AND it's been almost two years since i finally beat what was a lifetime of depression! yay me! sometimes i have an inclination to go back and read my entries from more tumultuous times, but i never do.

but i always wish that Noara could have known me today. i'm capable of so much more love and caring today. she was the love of my life.

she always will be.

=)


no tears today. just fond memories. a mild longing.

President Jackson Evans: [addressing the Congress] Napoleon once said when asked to explain the lack of great statesmen in the world, that "to get power you need to display absolute pettiness; to exercise power, you need to show true greatness." Such pettiness and greatness are rarely found in one person... Laine Hanson has asked that I allow her to step aside. She asked me to do this because she wants my presidency to end on a note of triumph and not controversy. Understand, those of you who worked to bring Laine Hanson down, that she asked to have her name withdrawn from consideration, NOT because she isn't great, but because she isn't petty. Because those two forms of leadership traits could not live in her body or her soul. Greatness. It comes in many forms, sometimes it comes in the form of sacrifice - that's the loneliest form.

I can tell by the way the trees beat, after
so many dull days, on my worried windowpanes
that a storm is coming,
and I hear the far-off fields say things
I can't bear without a friend,
I can't love without a sister

The storm, the shifter of shapes, drives on
across the woods and across time,
and the world looks as if it had no age:
the landscape like a line in the psalm book,
is seriousness and weight and eternity.

What we choose to fight is so tiny!
What fights us is so great!
If only we would let ourselves be dominated
as things do by some immense storm,
we would become strong too, and not need names.

When we win it's with small things,
and the triumph itself makes us small.
What is extraordinary and eternal
does not want to be bent by us.
I mean the Angel who appeared
to the wrestlers of the Old Testament:
when the wrestler's sinews
grew long like metal strings,
he felt them under his fingers
like chords of deep music.

Whoever was beaten by this Angel
(who often simply declined the fight)
went away proud and strengthened
and great from that harsh hand,
that kneaded him as if to change his shape.
Winning does not tempt that man.
This is how he grows: by being defeated, decisively,
by constantly greater beings.

--Rainer Maria Rilke
The Man Watching

By GUDJON HELGASON - Associated Press Writer
9:14 am PST Friday, January 18, 2008

Bobby Fischer, the reclusive chess genius who became a Cold War hero by dethroning the Soviet world champion in 1972 and later renounced his American citizenship, has died. He was 64.

Fisher died of kidney failure Thursday in a Reykjavik hospital after a long illness, his spokesman, Gardar Sverrisson, said Friday.



Born in Chicago and raised in Brooklyn, N.Y., Fischer faced criminal charges in the United States for playing a 1992 rematch against Boris Spassky in Yugoslavia in defiance of international sanctions. In 2005, he moved to Iceland, a chess-mad nation and site of his greatest triumph.
( Read more... )

...and the winds howled, proclaiming her return.


she just left my house, and the winds have settled.



no big surprise there.


and now, i meditate.



and smile.

=)

to be fit to step into the ring and fight (legally, this time) by june 30th.

everything else is a vow, not a resolution.

my vows are various promises from my ego to fulfill it's spiritual mandate. and yes, stepping into the ring is a part of that.

there's truth on the battle ground. any real fighter can tell you that.


and so can any true healer.

i grew up believing the police to be terrorists. they were an oppressive, occupying force in my neighborhood. children were getting shot for playing with water guns.

when i was a teenager i decided to become a terrorist. the glory and power one can have as a gang member was just too seductive. of course, at the time i never thought of myself as a terrorist, but rather a soldier. i wore my uniform with pride. my colors were symbolic of beauty and strength. to this day i still love the way red looks, even though i actually look better in blue.

lol!


i saw an old friend the other day. during our conversation we got into politics and i asked him how would he describe the profile of a terrorist. everything he said, EVERYTHING, was a mirror image of himself. but before i made that point i asked him what he thought of the torture of 'terror suspects' in guantanamo and abu graib. his general attitude was, "fuck'em."


it's no wonder why there's so little public outcry when 'suspected' gang members are brutalized.


i told him that he was a terrorist by his own definition, and if he were ever abused or murdered by the police most people would think "oh well, fuck him." he didn't like that too much. the conversation wasn't subtle, but i guess he still didn't see it coming. he nursed his beer for a couple of minutes while i began talking about the meaning of peace.

"but that's cool, though, bra. that's cool what you doin'."


he changed the subject.

...but older women are just more...

everything.



yeah,

i think i prefer cougars to kitties.


lol!

;)

formally titled: "Saul Williams, bitches!"

damn, i hate to eat my words about one of my heroes!



My Dearest Friends and Fans,

It is my greatest honor to present to you The Inevitable Rise and Liberation of NiggyTardust!,
my new album produced by Trent Reznor and mixed by Alan Moulder. The wall of sound that we've created is tagged with such graffiti that a passerby would seek out doors and ways to ENTER. Once inside a world defined by dreams come true they'd find aligned with the simplest act of sharing what we treasure. Most people aren't aware of the world of art and commerce where exploitation strips each artist down to nigger. Each label, like apartheid, multiplies us by our divide and whips us 'til we conform to lesser figures. What falls between the cracks is a pile of records stacked to the heights of talents hidden from the sun. Yet the energy they put into popularizing smut makes a star of a shiny polished gun. The ballot or the bullet for Mohawk or the mullet is a choice between new times and dying days. And the only way to choose is to jump ship from old truths and trust dolphins as we swim through changing ways. The ways of middlemen proves to be just a passing trend. We need no priests to talk to God. No phone to call her. And when you click the link below, i think it fair that you should know that your purchase will make middlemen much poorer...

NiggyTardust!

love,

Saul


http://niggytardust.com/saulwilliams/download






okay, this clip isn't even on the fucking album.


i'm almost finished listening to the entire album. not great. i applaud his experimental freedom. i do. but he just doesn't bring it lyrically the way he's capable. i have no idea why his latter work goes so far to shun his actual gift.

so i guess my answer to the age-old question is YES!

it IS fair (and necessary) to criticize a formally great artist for his latter-day sins.


saul has officially fallen the f*ck off!

=(

if you're a fan like i was, download it for free FIRST and judge for yourself. if you like, then donate AFTER you've heard what he's bringin' these days.

not a good look, saul. not a good look at all.

i loved you, man.

katie went to new orleans about 8 months after i did, and she stayed there more than 3 times as long.

this is the email i got from her the other day:


As we prepare to spend the holiday vacations with friends, family, and (let's be real) various obligations, I just wanted to pass on some info on the struggles happening right now around public housing in New Orleans.

The city wants to demolish decades-old public housing complexes like Iberville and St. Bernard, many of which were unaffected or minimally damaged by the Katrina flooding. Basically, the housing authority is stealing people's homes.


Here's a video of a heated public hearing on the issue




and here's one of a peaceful protest being broken up by police arrests.




This really gets to me on a personal level because I became friends with some of the residents and out-of-town activists during my summer there in '06. It's no surprise that the city officials want to gentrify New Orleans -- the same processes are happening in the places we live, too. Using Katrina as an excuse to fast-forward top-down development only magnifies the cruel and anti-democratic nature of gentrification.

Please join me in keeping these displaced residents in our minds and hearts as we ring in the new year, and let's all do what we can to confront and oppose those who seek profit in other people's misfortune -- in New Orleans, Boston, Cambridge, California, and every area where capitalist logic trumps human lives.




with love, sorrow, anger, and hope,

katie

=)

i was just talking with one of my students the other day about childhood events that shape who we become. so often our childhood scars have little or nothing to do with the cultural value systems we judge these scars against later in life.

somewhere along the line people start believing that a person's life could not have been very difficult unless they were poor as children; people who grew up with money have no right to complain.

i was homeless for a period of time as a child. truth be told, though, being homeless wasn't hard on me. i carry only a few scars from material lack; my scars are mostly from cruelty and abuse, and those things aren't unique to any particular tax bracket.

i do remember shame about being poor and not measuring up materially to my peers in school. i remember having only one pair of pants to last me through 5th grade. i remember being the punchline of many jokes because if it, and i remember becoming even more of a bully to keep people from ridiculing me.

but,


poverty certainly doesn't have the market cornered on shame.

i remember shell-shocked kids who were afraid of everything, who believed themselves to be worthless and embarrassing. i remembered violent kids who were like me, but who turned into some of the most gentle and pleasant children when engaged in something that moved them. for me it was science (i was sure it was the key to truth) and drawing.


this should be a no-brainer by now, but it seems there are a ridiculous number of people on my side of the economic fence who don't get that pain is universal.

struggle is struggle. pain is pain. there's no rule book of qualifying external conditions.


my love to all of you who still live with the pain of old scars.

i went deep tonight. really deep. and it was so simple. spontaneous natural flow, some would call it. doesn't matter. i'm still swaying, even as i type this. and i'm still smiling.

i released so many layers of tension/trauma tonight. i even experienced a physical healing of my own for a change. and all it really took was presence, patience, and surrender. there's that word again... surrender.


it is with immense gratitude that i live my art. from the bottom of my soul i am grateful for the generosity of those who allow me to share with them, and who believe in who i am and what i do, and who accept me wholly, scars and all. i don't have an occupation anymore. i don't need one. there's no term for what i do for a living now. qigong doesn't begin to cover it. qigong is just the main language i use to communicate to myself and others.

i live for a living now. and i give for a living.

and it's the love of those who support me that makes this possible.

i want to reach more people. if for no other reason than to increase the number of hugs i can give each day.

i know my healing ability increased tonight. i can feel it in every cell. i look forward to the day.

and as far as teaching:

we're going all the way back to breathing.

=)

i make it a point to consciously give thanks daily for the many blessings in my life, so i don't need a holiday for that.

BUT,

since it's a holiday nonetheless:


i am thankful for the silence that i will enjoy today. as with my birthday, i unplugged the phone and turned my answering machine all the way down. don't take it personal. if it's important send me an email, or just call me tomorrow.

today is a day for meditation.

...and playing with nunchucks. ;)

love to you all.

my friend and future partner-in-crime. he reads my journal from time to time, and occasionally he'll send me an email sharing his thoughts on what i've written. he read my post about lama dorje. this was his response:


Although it definitely wasn't what you were expecting, there was more going on in your encounter with Lama Dorje than you might realize.

I don't know how this seminar was advertised or how it was arranged that you two would meet -- all that could have been completely misleading -- but you did bring some expectations with you.
Whether intentionally or not, he essentially communicated, or at least this is how I interpret his actions, master or not, not that I know what that is, was what you yourself once said.

And these words are ones I carry around with me on a piece of paper in my wallet so that I can read them when I feel like I'm slipping:

"one NEVER moves past the foundation. it's not linear progression; it can't be. everything we seek is already here, right now. NOW is the only place where anything can ever be. this accounts for why devastatingly profound awakenings happen periodically to novices and non-practitioners, and often DON'T happen to seasoned practitioners even after decades of practice."

"if you live the vast majority of your life treating each moment as a means to an end, it doesn't matter much what you practice. you're lost."

Those are your own words.


Dog, he held out the lotus blossom to you.

He explained the 5-element theory of the body to you!

Foundation!

!

What more did/do you need?


While in China I occasionally went to visit a Xing Yi master, 87 years old, on the east side of Beijing. Each time I was hoping to do something new, but when I told him that my interests were in healing he told me that all I needed was to do the horse stance, meditate, and review the 5-element theory. That's all that we would do. And we would drink tea.


There's a reason that the 5-element theory is on page 20 of every Qi Gong book.

You said, "he certainly didn't seem to know anything of value."

To echo your own sentiments, "are you stoned???"


This is not to say that Lama Dorje was not a ridiculous man. He could be a full blown charlatan. But I wasn't there and I can't say I ever met the guy. I'm only going off of what you chose to share in your journal. And on paper, his parlor tricks aside, it would seem that he did offer you something you don't find every day. Validation. Self affirmation.


Or I could be full of shit.


=)


i still have so much to learn if i am to grow beyond my spiritual adolescence.

i said goodbye to that other website.

i even made my goodbye formal in its own thread on the site. dramatic and all, but it made people think even more about my critique of the workshops of a certain lama, and that was the intended effect.


so i think it's time to talk about my experience a month ago with lama dorje.


it's taken me all this time to integrate the experience i had at the workshop, as well as in dialog with his student who is responsible for turning the whole thing into a business of sorts.


the man's knowledge base was extremely rank and superficial. he told a lot of bogus stories about his masters and warring clans and crap like that. it didn't seem that any of his thoughts were his own. yet what first attracted me to him was his acknowledgment that true masters learn to follow themselves. there was no substance, no analysis to anything he had to say. none.

he claimed to be an immortal. not a spiritual immortal, but a physical one. said that he had been declared dead over 20 times. bit by snakes, run over by cars, struck by lightning, all kinds of stuff. "death is a choice," he said. when he got challenged by a qigong teacher he ended up back-pedaling and contradicting himself. it was rather embarrassing.

his student promoted him as an expert martial artist who could teach more than a dozen different styles, but then "lama dorje" admitted when responding to the qigong teacher that he was not a martial artist at all!

i had a private hour with him. i told him that i teach qigong and do healing work, and that i do it for a living now. i began to tell him about an experience with one of my patients, and he cut in to explain to me the 5-element theory of the body. i was a little shocked. the 5 elements can be found on page 20 of EVERY qigong book in existence, i had just told this man that i do this for a living!


it got a little better, i guess.


he gave me a transmission of his energy. it was extremely mild at first. but then it began to manifest as a very fiery presence in my spine and stomach. nothing mind-blowing, but enough for me to be intrigued a bit. i departed early on the last day of the workshop because i was so frustrated with how bullshit everything was (he really did seem to be an idiot). i went home disappointed and embarrassed because i knew i had to face everyone who knew i was excited about going. i opened a letter sent to me by an old teacher who knew i was going. it said: While my hope is that you found what you were looking for, i know what actually took place. My greatest and truest wish is that you will use this experience to inspire you to stop seeking outside of yourself for that which can only be found within.

so i began to let go of my search. i talked it out over tea with one of my patients. it was great. we decided that who i am today is enough, and there are still depths in the here and now that i can joyfully explore. we giggled the rest of the night away.

i experienced an energetic breakthrough after that. there was a significant shift in my body. and i remain changed from the experience.

the thing is, i can't swear that the change in my body isn't a result of the transmission of energy i received from the lama guy. much of the shift in my body carried a similar signature to what i felt during his transmission. he certainly didn't seem to know anything of value, but that's not to say that he didn't perhaps pick up some power and some techniques in his journey.


so yeah, it got a little better. but not much. i have no inclination to pursue his teachings. my understanding seemed to be far broader and deeper than his. i'm still exploring the new energy swimming around in me. the jury is still out on that.

there's a ton more i could say on the matter, but i think i'll leave it at that. he knew a few tricks, but in my opinion he was not a master. not even close. i will continue to explore the empowerment he gave me, but no matter how that exploration turns out, it won't make up for how bogus this guy was.

one hour of practice in this system is equivalent to 100 years in other systems...


are you stoned???

i've been having an affair with another website. it's a big forum and everyone on it is either a meditation or internal arts practitioner. so i've been doing my fair share of writing lately, just not here. few people here are interested in what happens to be my life's passion, anyway. so whatevs.

i'm attaining a higher level. it's pretty awesome! the energy in my body has been shifting quite a bit lately, but my head has sort of been all over the place. once i began relaxing into my own being and directing my intent toward greater surrender, it seems that another energy gate has opened up within me. i find myself flooded with magnetic waves that pull at me like gravity when i'm doing standing or seated meditation. i seem to be in a constant state of joy and well-being, even when things are going bad. i feel bad, but only for a little while, and there's still a constant joyful state at the core of my being that i only need to focus on to be happy again.

the healing sessions these last two nights have been dramatically different. much stronger. last night my friend & student was sitting in a chair next to me as i sat in half-lotus on a cushion a few feet away from the patient who was laying on the bed. he almost fell out of his chair. twice. so he put away the chair and joined me on the floor. the patient had some intense physical and visual experiences. they both felt as if they were immersed in water. that's all that i'll share about the evening.

for me it feels like i just reached my spiritual adolescence. i'm learning from my own body, my inner core, and, most importantly, my intuition. i almost feel like a novice all over again because it feels like a completely new way of knowing. i've been so intellectual for so long, and now most of that stuff seems silly. i did all of that studying to learn that i never really needed all that studying.

tonight was significant for me. tonight's session was just me and the patient who decided to sponsor my work. aside from the general lightheartedness i felt (and which seemed to be contagious), the session felt totally effortless. the feeling was like my body was a programmable shell or vehicle, but me, the REAL me, was an ocean of energy and consciousness. the session was incredibly profound, and my part in the session felt very loving and playful.

i could "see" so much. and the presence was so strong... and again i felt like a young adolescent coming of age spiritually. i know this is kind of vague, but it wasn't just my experience, so i can't share everything.

i'm not a saint. not even close. but the saints weren't even saints, for that matter.

saintliness not necessary for spiritual awakening. what matters most is sincerity, and surrender. period. and there is no outward expression that proves these traits. all the "good deeds" in the world can't give you that. THIS is why profound awakenings often happen to some of the least likely people, and other people, who dedicate their lives to a spiritual path, never experience it.

simply put, the pathway to awakening is beyond good and evil.


i'm happy. i will continue to seek, grow, and evolve. but not at the expense of thoroughly enjoying who i am and where i am.

it's pretty f&*king cool being laRoi these days.

**love**

in a nutshell, it was disappointing. although as time goes on i feel more and more appreciative of who he was and what he had to give.

perhaps if he wasn't being promoted as "the next best thing to god-on-earth" i would not have felt so let down.

he was a genuinely nice guy. he had some useful and even powerful techniques of cultivation.


...he is not a master. and if he is, then so am i.

i may write more on this later. just wanted to get this out first.

a client of mine made a suicide attempt the other night. more of a self-mutilation/cry for help type of thing. but the turmoil she was in was no less real.

it was the morning after she'd gone out drinking with colleagues. she's not supposed to drink because of the deep despair it can throw her into. and we've been doing some pretty intense deep organ tissue/emotional cleansing work. going places that hurt.


i know that our work has stirred up a lot of this.


her mother just left my house. she's a wreck, but she's trying to hold it together for her daughter. i told her that i think her daughter needs to know that it's okay for all of us to fall apart when we need to. that sometimes we need to fall completely apart in order to come back together in a way that helps to heal us. that none of us gets out of this life without scars. and that that's okay.


i felt like the only thing i could really do for her mother at that time was shed a few tears by her side. her daughter is scheduled to see me tomorrow. i really hope she makes it.


sometimes the only way out is through...





i wish i could just put it all on the drinking, but i can't. i feel responsible. like i took her too far, too fast. i should have known better than to go that deep so early on.


she was doing so well, too. she still can do well. she'll come back from this.

the floodgates are open now. the body is healing rapidly. the cycle must run its course. there's no going back. no do-overs. this is it.

the follower is honored.

the inward seeker is scorned.



in at least one place (book of luke) jesus said
"the kingdom of god is within."


and in mark:
"some of you will live to see the kingdom god..."

--and yet it never "came" in 40 lifetimes.


perhaps that's because it was already there. because it's already here. because "the kingdom of god is within."


the internal arts is a quest for that kingdom.


perhaps the purpose for having external authorities in our lives is to eventually outgrow the need for them.


know thyself.




i spent last night with a friend and student who in meditation experienced death, life in the form of a tree, and the unencumbered, formless life flowing through all things.

he experienced what my words could never convey. personal attainment trumps belief.


in my home the inward seeker is honored.


it was very late when we finished, so we made a somewhat ridiculous drive to midtown. i wanted wine. i bought 6 bottles! (how can you pass up a deal, son!)
and...um... he stole a donut.

lol!


i think my 6 bottles may have been the more ridiculous of the two.

=)

earlier this week i put in my two-weeks notice. it was a little scary at first, but now i can't believe i hesitated at all.


it's hard to believe that it can all happen this fast.


i'll write about all the other amazing stuff some other time.


it won't be long until i send for an amazing former student to come and help build this with me. and his plane ticket is already paid for.

woke up by the phone ringing. my first thought was "shit! i forgot today's saturday and i have an early appointment with a client!"

took almost 5 minutes to realize that it's monday.

i only slept 4 hours, and i'll probably crash this afternoon, but i feel better today. refreshed. i think i just needed to cry a little bit.

time to tend to the garden. count my blessings. dance the rhythm of swaying branches.

time to cultivate the spirit.

stumbled upon something political on youtube.

it made me wonder if i could find anything on marla ruzicka or rachel corrie. of course i did. my two sisters. years dead now. both of them. but not long enough for me to not bleed when i hear their voices.

...and their passions weren't as strong as Noara's. her death didn't make cnn because she didn't die on foreign soil. but her heart was their heart. and i loved them all. but none as much as her.


I MISS HER TONIGHT.


tonight i danced slowly under the moon and stars. i felt the energy currents flowing in and around me. they assure me that all is perfect and the universe is as it must be. i trust in what is,

yet still i bleed.



no one i have met in the subsequent years could even come close to who she was.


i know that i'm more selfish than i have realized. in the last couple of months, as i have deepened my commitment to the internal arts, i have witnessed miraculous healings that have benefited so many. but i would sacrifice every single one of them if i could hold her just one more time. i couldn't be who i am today if not for her.

the art of healing feels like just another parlor trick. an illusion. it's been 4 1/2 years, and i'm not over her.



how could i possibly live up to the gift that was lost to the world when she died...



i'm sorry for this post.


i just need to bleed for a little while longer.





i still find comfort in knowing my days are numbered...

this is a little scary. but i think i like it.


after only one session with client K, her knee seems to have been completely healed. she's been jogging on it every morning. no pain.


after only one session with client/student R, the dog man, he asked me if i would be open to teaching and working with the new female world champion muay thai kickboxer, whom he just happens to help train.


after only one session with client D, she had a total transcendental experience as her spinal nerve extended fare above her head and far beneath her tail bone. she sent me this letter that same night:

When I left, I didn’t start thinking until I was close to the freeway. My first thought was that it was so wonderful someone thought to make signs for freeways and how spectacularly clear and directional they are. Then I noticed the lights on the billboards and I marveled at how beautifully they lit up the sky. Then I realized I’m high as a kite and that made me laugh. My laughs are free.

I thought I was going to have to find a job, quit a job, or make a job to be happy. I thought I’d have to spend some money, make more money or save money to be happy. I thought I’d have to pull weeds or plant flowers to be content. I thought I’d need to sleep more or wake earlier, get married or commit to being alone, save someone and condemn another, talk to more people or relinquish myself to silence. Get thinner or eat pasta. Move to the coast or clean my house. Write a book or read more. Worry more or try to forget.

I don’t have to do any of it and I know what high as a kite means. I know where the doorknob is and I’ve seen and felt the bright white arcing string (is that where “kite” comes in?...a lousy metaphor but cute) that floats far above any to-do lists and any pain. It is so ironically comical that I’ve been so busy all my life thinking of what I had to DO to be happy. Fuck ‘happy’. I know joy.

My feet still aren’t touching the ground and my ear is still bleeding.* My back might hurt but I can’t be bothered to notice. I haven’t been this NOT TIRED in 100 years.



apparently she's the vice chair of a pretty serious advertising firm. she said she would recommend me to a lot of her friends, but they would never come because i don't charge enough. so she said she'd lie to them about my fees until i thought it over.


she also brought to my attention the fact that my day job doesn't pay that much, and it would actually be a lot easier than i seem to think to walk away from the job right now and devote myself fully to my passion.


she's right. i make next to nothing where i work, and i could cover that with three more clients and a little more support of my current students. if they believe in me, they've got to support me in this.

i think i'm gonna run with this.

it's scary, but i can do this.



it's been a long time coming.



*the "bleeding ear" comment was a metaphor she used for how she felt like toxins were draining from her ear. during the session she began to wonder if her ear was actually dripping.

it's been a while. people have been asking where i've been and what i'm up to. whether or not i'm okay.


i'm doing alright. in fact, i'd say i'm doing much better than alright.


my biggest problem of late has been trying to find the time for my teaching, healing therapy, and my day job.

this is a *high-quality* problem to have!


still not teaching any women, though most of my patients are women. it's a different kind of relating. i will probably begin welcoming women as students again once we get the weekly 'qigong in the park' thing running smoothly.


met with a new student this morning. he's in his late 50's and is healthier than many of my younger guys. we sort of hit the ground running and i took him through some exercises and breath work. then he brought in his dog. :/

kelli was the dog's name. she's a pit bull, very cute, very friendly. she even likes cats (though i didn't let her meet mine). she has a tumor in her heart, and i wanted to know if i would be open to working on her. (???) when i talked to him on the phone i resisted the idea, but i didn't come out and say no. so when he showed up this morning with his heart pouring out for her, i sort of gave in.

i agreed to treat the dog for a month (until their next vet visit, at which point he'll be able to see if the treatment is effective).

i'm really not big on the idea of treating people's animals, but i just couldn't deny him, or her, once they were here.


i have to inform the director at sac city college today that i will no longer be doing any teaching or coaching for them. it was kind of illegal anyway.


within the next year i expect to be doing what i love on a full-time basis.


...and even if i'm not, i'm pretty damn happy with where i am today.


that's it for now.

beauty can be every bit as devastating as tragedy.



just deal with that for a minute.

i did it. after all this time. and i feel a little dirty.

but it had to be done.


today i bought a television with built-in vcr, and a dvd player with remote.

it's all in perfect condition and cost me $50. not too bad for the price.


the tv has no antenna, so it doesn't get any channels, which is fine by me. i just need it to watch my instructional videos.


the processor in my laptop is the electronic equivalent of a 90-pound weakling. i had bought an external dvd player some time ago, but the processor can't handle the power of most discs i put in. and since $50 is cheaper than the cost of an upgrade or a new machine, i figured what the hell.

it's weird seeing it in my house, though. it doesn't fit in anywhere. so i keep in on a wheeled chair for easy storage in my closet.


but today was the first time i've been able to hear the audio and see a smooth picture on a number of videos that i've had for a while now.


on a similar note, i'm finding that i'm spending more money on books and videos that teach elementary theory and form than i am on the higher level stuff. and i won't lie: some of it is so basic and boring that it hurts to read or watch. but i know it makes me a better teacher, so i stick with it.

i actually spend more time on the basics than my students do! :/


i think that's why i've become so picky about who i teach. i'm not gonna let anyone waste my time. not even if they live right next door to me.


oh, a happy birthday is in order. poolsofsky just turned... i actually don't know, but i hope you have a good time tonight. you put your foot in the ass of another year; that's worth a toast!

=)

sorry to all of you who called; i unplugged the phone and turned the answering machine all the way down. i needed today to be a private day.


today was supposed to be the end of my fast, but it just doesn't feel right to stop yet. it's as if something will be left undone if i break it now. so i guess i will continue until i know it's time to end it.

i spend the majority of the day studying the theory and form of laohu gong (shamanic/old sage tiger qigong). while studying the movements i noticed that (so-called) master zhongxian wu performed one of the movements incorrectly, and he also fumbled the theory of another move. i just thought it was funny. words like "master" are getting cheaper as each year goes by. but whatevs.

once i had my fill of studying i drove down to the american river. and for hours i did that thing that i do:

i wandered.


it was wonderful. many forgotten paths, miles from anyone, save for the deer who still seem to recognize my vibration. on two occasions i stopped and admired plants & flowers as i waited for the deer to leave the pathway. both times they took a few steps toward me, checking me out. when finally they cleared the path, i continued on.


i spoke to the trees and listened to the wind. i drank deep the energy of the river. on the bank i practiced the form i'd been studying all day. it was very pleasing. then i stood stationary and studied the surface of the water for a while. the restless flux of the currents on the surface yielded a living map of the universe.

i danced on stones. i played qigong as i walked. i admired the myriad creatures surrounding me, and i gave thanks to nature's infinite care and intelligence, as the out-breath of the trees nourished me, as my out-breath, in turn, nourished them.



it was a wonderful day, indeed.

it's been an adventure, albeit an internal one.


today is day 17 of my 21-day fast. no food. no dairy.
just water, juice, soymilk, and tea.


and lots of hsing qi meditation. lots of qigong practice.



this has been a greater and more profound purification than when i spent those months secluded in waimea canyon on kauai. this house provides enough ascetic comfort to make this practice virtually effortless, so i can focus on internal transformation with steady focus and calm mind. well, mostly calm.

the cleansing mantra meditation stirs up old pains, fears, desires, you name it. but then i am able to accept it all as it arises, and release it all as it runs its course.



Deep Surrender. Forgivenesss. Patience. Joy. Healing. Peace.


the energy current coursing inside me is strong, but not uncomfortable. my sensitivity to the physical and mental/emotional energy of others can at times be almost unreal. the projection of energy from my palms is much more intense, but somehow more gentle as well. less effort, more soothing, less invasive. unless my intention shifts to forcing things. but the distinction is a lot more clear.

i've had strangers comment on feeling warmth and a "sort of calming static charge-like presence" from just talking with me, which i guess is good, so long as i'm not emanating more than i'm storing. working on learning better methods of storing for effectiveness in nei dan (internal elixir) cultivation.


still work my job and teach the art during this period, as my physical energy has not diminished.


and realizing in a new way that the "surface-level" practices are anything but.



right now i really want to climb a tree. so i guess i will. =)


this house is my little urban hermitage. my oasis. i am grateful to be here.

i realized the other day (while thinking about what i'd do for her birthday) that i still hold resentment for a birthday that my mother ruined 6 years ago. there were certainly worse birthdays when i was younger, more abusive ones, but none that demonstrated just how disgustingly selfish she could be.

all i wanted for my birthday was to catch a beautiful sunset, maybe drive up to the hills with my partner (noara) to watch it. my mother said she wanted to take me shopping for my birthday and that we could do that in the afternoon so i'd be free in the evening. anyone who knows me knows that shopping isn't exactly a laroi gift. (i'm still wearing pants from 100 pounds ago!) but it was a really sweet gesture from her and i appreciated it.

we left at 3pm, and i thought we were heading to the mall or something, but we ended up in the hood at my sister's house because she wanted to pick up some weed first. they had trouble getting in touch with the weed man. 4 o'clock rolled around. then 5. then 6. the entire time i'm sitting on the couch, staring out the window. by the time she made her connection it was almost 8pm. then she and my sister smoked together for a while. around 9pm she drove us back to the house. she didn't say a word.

noara came over and took me out to dinner, but i was too angry to enjoy it. so we left. we went to the park by the river and walked, which was much more soothing. then we made love under the stars. i just held her close and told her that i wanted to get away from this whole manufactured world, but i felt trapped and there was nowhere to go. that was when she told me, "if you really want to leave, then let's get out of here. we can leave and go anywhere we want."

i had forgotten that i was as free as i chose to be until that night with her, naked, by the water.


she turned that night into a blessing for me. her words changed me.



if she were still here we would have wandered the countryside every summer. that was our plan between semesters. that was how i was going to keep my sanity and make it through school. she and i would have become professors.


...




resentment of my mother does nothing but poison me.



i think i'm ready to let it go.

the day after my mother's birthday, i finally went over to see her. took her a card and a small gift.

i didn't want to show up at all, to be honest. but i felt i had to. so i got there late and told her that i couldn't stay long because i had to work early the next morning, but that i didn't want another day go by without visiting her. the truth is that i have the day off today, but i didn't want to waste it visiting over there when an extended visit could so easily take a turn for the worse. brief visits and untruths about my time commitments are becomming the norm.




...she's not doing very well. in fact, i've never seen her look so bad in my life.


i don't think she has much time left.


we exchanged a few nice words, and i made an attempt at small talk. but i don't know how to talk about "safe" topics; i don't fully understand what the rules are.

it was almost this time last year when i offered to take her hand and walk by her side on her path to healing. she turned down my offer. facing the truth of her condition (which could have saved her life) was just too much for her to handle. she was a lot healthier then. she was having trouble holding down hard liquor then, so she drank wine mostly.

now she's having trouble holding down food.


her look, her feel, her smell, her sound, everything. all of it. saying that the end is near.

and what's worse, my little brother has to witness its unfolding every day.


he calls a lot more now. frustrated. worried. he has a genetic disease that will one day be the death of him, yet HE is the healthiest person in that house. and he realizes it now.


she and i have never really spoken the same language, but i was still ready and willing to commit myself to her had she chosen to make an effort to save herself. she has, in essence, chosen to die from a curable disease.


it's her life. it's her choice. i can accept that.



and i guess i'll be here. even if she waits until she's on her death bed to wake up/reach out.



i don't like that i lied. i hate being a liar more than any other negative trait i may possess. i feel like a coward. but time and again she's made it clear that lies are preferred where she is concerned. even difficult truths are not appreciated. so a critical truth would have likely turned into something ugly.


excuses. i'm a liar. no one MAKES us lie, no matter how "impossible" the situation seems. we choose it.

i really don't want to lie anymore. so i shouldn't lie. i can make better choices so i don't have to make justifications. THAT'S the truth.


and i don't like that we can't talk about what's staring us both right in the face. i do healing work and i teach qigong. these things and my spiritual journey are what i live for; so what "small talk" can i make about my life that doesn't threaten her in some fashion or UNDERSCORE what's NOT being talked about between us?

i really don't know what the rules are. and whatever they are, i don't like them. i'll do better in the future, but i'm not going to lie anymore. i'll find a way to be honest in a way that doesn't cause pain.